02:09 May 07 2009
Times Read: 1,178
i don't know how to put into words what has been going on lately in my life and in my mind. there is no way for me to be graceful or delicate, that isn't really my style anyway.
of course money has been tight. blah blah blah, same old story there nothing changes. when things are stressful though, like when i am worried about finances, i withdraw. i become impatient. i get annoyed with people who call me during MY time.
hopefully the financial bumpies are behind us. nothing would make things better than to not have to worry about losing a service. i would be extremely happy to not overdraft the bank. even once!
finally this week we tried to relax. Sunday the family friend Woody came over and we played two rousing games of croquet and had a nice visit. Monday Hubby and me spent a nice day togethor. we window shopped a bit and finally decided to brave the little restaurant up the road. we found that they have wonderful cheeseburgers, i don't think i have had a restaurant made run of the mill cheeseburger made with real cheddar since my last Burgerville cheeseburger. i finally got a 75 ft hose to water the vegetable garden. there may be hope for that.
Tuesday...we went grocery shopping. yeah we splurged a little but i felt like celebrating. besides the usual stuff we bought some random junk for the kids and stuff for rootbeer floats.
*sighs
i was putting away the groceries when the phone rang. it was the VP of my son's school. my boy it turns out was found with cutting implements on his person and there was blood on them.
FUCK!
he was doing really well in school this year too. now it is fucking blown over stupidity and carelessness.
i am an attentive parent. i talk to my kids. i monitor their internet traffic. i search their book bags, coats and rooms randomly. i know every inch of their bodies not covered by underwear. we have discussed multiple multiple times: drugs, alcohol, violence (real and fictional), sex; etc...
my son does not cut, some of his friends do. unfortunately i don't know the ones at school. his only other friends are here on VR. i get to know the close ones. there is a lot to this story, not that it matters but i am hoping to get something positive from this. maybe if i tell the story, his Coven Masters will see fit to repost it or link it in the coven.
my 13 year old son had a box razor and a broken pair of scissors in his coat pocket. the razor is one of those refills, sometimes they are used for scraping tar or paint. the razor was given him to use by our neighbor while they were working togethor at the church one weekend. when he was done with it he slipped it into his pocket and apparently forgot about it. the scissors i presume he found around somewhere.
i neglected to check his pockets the last couple of weeks. he realized while he was at school that he had them and stupidly showed a friend. the friend went on to lift his pants leg and cut himself on purpose. someone saw my son with the implements and turned him in. he was co operative with the school security and the VP. he also turned in his friend for cutting. this is a good thing, that boy needs help. of course admittedly so does my own child.
D is indefinitely suspended pending a hearing to determine suspension, temporary expulsion and transfer to an alternative school or possibly outright expulsion. i know these are the policies. HE knows these are the policies. accident, forgetfulness, none of it matters. all year there has only been one other incident and it wasn't even violent or criminal. he made AB honor roll last quarter and now he is done!
right now as his mother i am struggling with the obvious. how did i mess up so badly with him? how could he make such a mistake? how do i punish this error properly without going overboard and for that matter besides the obvious loss of privileges until the outcome is determined and we are out of limbo what proper punishment is warranted?
for the last few months he won't talk to me about problems, he won't even journal no matter how hard i insist. he has neglected his appearance to the point that at least once i washed his hair in my kitchen sink just to insure it was being done properly. the latest thing has been the addition of words/terms such as failed, screw up and loser to his vocabulary.
you tick down the list of things a parent takes away:
video games
computer
tv
time with friends
replace them with:
extra chores
the video games did not cause the problem, nor did the computer, the movies he watches....
the problem is his sense of self worth. he is a brilliant young man, very intelligent it happens. he is sensitive and caring. he is extremely capable of doing anything that he chooses to do but this is what he chooses.
he tried blaming the treatment he received from his dad for 10 years of his life. i had to call bullshit, we have spent every moment of every day that we are all togethor showing him kindness, support and compassion. even now he can not lean on that, no way. if i let him use that as a crutch now, he will use it forever. i know he is better than that.
ok i am stepping back now.
i want a cigarette.
i want to go back to watching hulu and just being alone with my thoughts a bit longer.
i feel typed out just now.
COMMENTS
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dabbler
05:08 May 28 2009
Vocalization=venting, defaults to decompression. Placing things in perspective, along with free association. What major, or collective minor things are unsettled, it is reasonable to be anxious, but you will settle, shedding along the way is what friends are for. All the elements are here.